it's gonna be all right, it's gonna be all right...

So I tried telling myself that I was okay,
that I was over this whole ordeal,
and it worked so well for the entire weekend. <3

But alas, the truth is that I am not.
The fact that I am listening to my "Rainy Days and Acoustic Guitars" CD may contribute to it a bit, but I am truly down in the dumps. Forseriously, I'm tearing up. I haven't been so depressed in awhile... Oh, some may say it's such a silly thing to be upset over, but it isn't. If you had even an IDEA of how much it meant to me, of how lame of an excuse I was given, of how corrupted and political PC has become, you would understand. I'm sure you would- everyone else has.

I so badly want to be happy, I want so badly to be okay with it, or to at least GET OVER IT. I want so badly to be excited for PC next year, for my friends who made it... But it's hard to when I think about who got president, and more importantly about who got kicked out. PC has become so desired, so the organization on campus to be a part of, and the counselors have such intense pressure in selecting new PCs, that I think they truly make decisions based on irrelevant, fake and misunderstood reasons- on what they hear and not on what may have actually happened.

I think what makes me so mad is that the counselors all ASSUMED something about me. Apparently they had thought this for about a month, and hadn't bothered to address me about until the day before- and not even formally. It was indirectly brought to my attention. Oh, but did I get any say in the matter? No- they're going to take his side because he's cute, he's new, and everyone likes him.

It's really wrong. To be honest, the fact that PCs are spreading rumors about it don't make things easier for me. This is a really hard time in my life. If you want to talk to me about it, don't hesitate to! But don't believe everything you're hearing. They're all lies, force-fed to officers so they think they know what's going on, so counselors don't look like idiots for the mistakes they made.

If I sound bitter, it's because I AM. I think it's mostly due to the fact that it was so UNEXPECTED, that the reasoning was such a LIE, that a certain fellow whom I'm not too fond of is a JERK. Oh, I know I need to get over it. But it's so hard.... </3

I truly, truly am so stoked for all of my friends who made it. I only wish I could be there with you all.

So I totally stole this from someone else's zanga, but... Well, it rocks. Period. Read it, kiddos. If you're a guy, live by it! And if you're a girl, expect it. Hahahah, no, just kidding! But yeah, it is really nice.

Play with her hair. Talk to her in movie theatres. Snuggle, hold her hand, and lightly KISS her. Hold her hand and walk with her. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other people's yards and give them to her. Tell her she looks BEAUTIFUL. Introduce her to your friends as "The most amazing girl I know''. Sit in the park and talk to her. Take her to the library, ice skating, playgrounds, and coffee shops. Tell her stupid jokes... whatever it takes to make her laugh. Write poems about her. Walk with her, even if its just around the block. Throw pebbles at her window at night. SURPRISE HER. Do things that make her SMILE, make her LAUGH, and make her want to KISS you right on the lips. BE SPONTANEOUS.. When she starts yelling at you, tell her you love her (only if you mean it!). Give her back rubs. Play football with her. Let her fall asleep in your arms.  Call her even if it's just to say hi. Call her back if she calls you! Jump on the bed with her.  Whisper in her ear. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. If you get her mad, then KISS her. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night. Leave her little unexpected notes.. on the car, or on her door, saying how much she means to you. Take her to romantic places and lay out blankets to look at the*stars*. Make up nicknames for each other. Show up at her work or apartment unexpectedly. Send flowers and dorky notes that only you two understand. Teach her guitar. Lend her your CDs. Make her CDs of songs that remind you of her. Write her letters. If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour car trip or a band you aren't crazy about. Go on a road trip even if there's no destination or you can't be gone long. Listen to her favorite songs. When she's sad or sick, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she's not saying anything. Buy her ice cream. Let her take all the pictures of you SHE WANTS. Look into her eyes. Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast. Make her a romantic dinner for special days. Remember dates.. even ones like your first kiss or date and surprise her on the anniversary. Kiss her in the rain. Kiss her when she least expects it. When yOu fall in love with her, TELL HER!!!

Currently Playing North By Something Corporate see related

you'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless.

I learned a really important lesson this week.
It wasn't easy.
In fact it may have been the hardest week of my life... I got slapped in the face so many times.

You know, I think it's funny how people are so obessed with worrying that if they don't do something, if they miss out on some amazing chance of their lifetime, they will regret it in the end. I'm not saying this isn't true but so few people think about the opposite... about doing something, making incredible sacrifices for something they think is truly amazing and regretting every single thing they gave up.

Oh, did I experience the latter this week.

So I learned that some of the things that we choose, that we push other things aside for (whether by choice or as a consequence of our decisions), really aren't worth it. In fact some of them really screw your life up. I'm sad to say that this has happened twice this year... Oh, but they were so tempting. The possibility of having power, of having influence over what goes on, of maybe changing things, improving things. How could you say no? But once you're in, you're STUCK. Stuck for a year, and everything else must be pushed aside. Why? Because you're committed, committed to a cause that lost its appeal altogether too quickly. And you see everything else falling apart beneath you, but there is little you can do to change anything. The pressure is too intense and the consequences too big. It's too late and you can only hope you will have the chance next year to make things better...

Of course, due to the vicious cycle you got yourself in, you made previous sacrifices that will cost your opportunity to have another chance another year. Not only are you stuck to a cause you don't believe in, a cause that brings you down, but your neglect to other more important things will cause you to lose everything.

Oh, life is pretty below average at the moment. I'm bitter and completely mad at myself.

I lost one of the most important things of my high school life, in return for absolutely nothing.

 ...</3

Oh, and just to let you know... You weren't worth it- not a single bit. (Directed towards both a person and an organization.)

I can only hope that someone absolutely fantastic replaces me. :)

&you're in pieces as your world becomes a rainstorm.

newsflash.

It's June 1st.

Do you know how crazy that is? I mean the whole school year has basically passed. It's coming down to the last few weeks. The only bad thing about it being June is that June means summer. June means no more paying attention in school; it means fantasties of beaches and Rhode Island and passing notes in class of summer plans. School for the next 22 days... What a joke. I'm already tuned out.

I have a Spanish project due tomorrow, and once that is done I really have nothing left to focus on. Finals, ehhh. I'm done after tomorrow, baby.

<3 HAPPY JUNE.

the butterflies in my stomach,
they could bring me to my knees.

So I'm thinking yesterday was just a dream.
Oh, it must have been. It was entirely too wonderful... to have actually happened. I came inside after he dropped me off, walking on air.
We're going to call yesterday Ron and Courtney Day, because... that's simply what it was. It needs no further explanation.
He leaves me breathless... Eep, don't tell anyone but I just want to be with him all the time.  Of course he has other friends and other committments so that's not feasible but,
the time I do spend with him... is so sweet and wonderful.
The best part about "us" (in my opinion):
We can hang out for almost an entire day and not get sick of each other, not run out of things to say, not run out of things to laugh about.
We drive around without any specific destination besides to enjoy each other's company. How does he know that's my favorite thing to do...?

Oh, gosh. It's been such an incredible weekend. Of course, it's 9:30 on the Monday night after a three day weekend, and I have piles of homework.
Don't be fooled though... I love such beautiful distractions.
I'm going to have to say that this one is worth it.
Just a guess...

And by the way, I've decided the "Sunsets and Car Crashes" album to be the soundtrack of my life. If you want to understand me better, listen to it. (Disregard all of the suicide references, of course.)

Here's a little preview:
And in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me
You're all kinds of beautiful as you end my day
And you sweetly retire as stars chase you away

I'd collapse to the grass, with your notes ringing in my head
Let the rain fill my mouth, and in a couple hours I'll be dead
But all the while my lips are whistling our tune
But the beauty lies in how you will revive me soon
--"Sunsets and Car Crashes"

<3